Attitudes are Contagious. Are Yours Worth Catching?

There seems to be an awful lot of sickness being passed around this year. I’ve heard that Doctors are seeing strains of the flu unlike in recent memory. The old remedies for prevention still need to be followed: wash hands, eat well, get plenty of rest, drink plenty of liquids, and avoid areas of known illness.

Just like our body, it is very important that we protect our emotional and mental immune systems from the germs of life that infect our attitudes. Attitudes are contagious and we need to be aware that often our attitudes are kindled by the flame of others’ opinions. If we surround ourselves with good company, it is easier to maintain a good attitude. Bad company corrupts good attitudes and weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character (I Corinthians 15:33). Our attitudes tend to conform to the environment we live in. Take charge of your attitude. Don’t let someone else choose it for you.

Charles Swindoll once said, “The longer I live the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company . . . a church . . . a home. The remarkable thing is, we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past. . . . we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. . . . we cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you . . . we are in charge of our attitudes.” Sometimes we are limited more by attitude than by opportunities.

Every day we have a choice regarding the attitude we will accept. Yes, we cannot change our past. Agreed, we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. The only thing we can do is to keep a good attitude toward others and ourselves. There is an old wise saying on attitudes, “I can alter my life by altering the attitude of my mind.”

Seeing ourselves as God wants us to be is a key to personal growth. Hyrum W. Smith suggests that to successfully bring about change in our lives we need to implement a system of change that is built upon three assumptions. First Assumption: We change our lives by changing the attitudes of our minds. The apostle Paul addressed this problem as it was occurring in the church in Corinth. ” For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (II Corinthians 10:3-5, NIV).

Second Assumption: We become what we think about all day long. There is an often quoted Scripture in Proverbs that speaks to this transforming power of the mind, ” As a man thinks in his heart, so is he…” (Proverbs 23:7a, NASB). Third Assumption: Our mind is naturally goal seeking. Our mind is always trying to accomplish something. It is a powerful tool of our personality to want to achieve goals. Our mind will set the goals that we allow it to. Lou Holtz said, “If you’re bored with life – you don’t get up every morning with a burning desire to do things – you don’t have enough goals.” The apostle Paul taught on this ultimate goal of our lives through his writing to the church in Rome. “I urge you therefore brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect” (Romans 12: 1, 2, NIV). Other Scriptures that refer to this third assumption of goals are Philippians 2:5; 4: 6-8, and Colossians 3:2. As Christians, our maturity level depends on our ability to reach this goal daily.

Everything depends on attitude. We are ambitious or lazy, enthusiastic or dull, loyal or undependable, according to our attitudes. We get good grades or poor grades – according to our attitudes. Discouragement is an attitude. Lack of discipline is an attitude. Failure to follow instructions is an attitude. It’s not the situation, it’s our reaction to the situation that counts in shaping our attitudes. By changing the inner attitudes of our minds, we can change the outer aspects of our lives. William James said, “It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which, more than anything else, will affect its successful outcome.” Any fact facing us is not as important as our attitude toward it, for that determines our success or failure.

Attitude is the control center of our life. We can alter our lives by altering the attitudes of our minds. A good attitude produces good results, a fair attitude fair results, a poor attitude poor results. We each shape our own life, and the shape of it is determined largely by our attitude. A healthy attitude is contagious. Be a carrier. Is yours worth catching?

Overcoming Failure

One of the many challenges of life is overcoming failure. Have you ever noticed how many books are written on being successful in comparison to what to do when we experience failure?

One of the central themes of the Bible is overcoming failure. As Christians, we know that without a relationship with Christ, there is no way in which we can overcome our estranged condition and have peace with God. Throughout the Scripture we read that failure is caused by disobedience (Numbers 14: 40-45); sin (Joshua 7: 3-12); lack of prayer (Matt. 9: 24-29: 17;15-20); lack of counting the costs (Luke 14: 28-29) and unbelief (Hebrews 4: 6). Examples of these causes abound in Scripture. A few Old Testament persons who lived lives of failure include, Esau (Gen. 25: 29-34); Eli’s sons (1 Sam. 2: 12-17); King Saul (1 Sam. 16: 1); Absalom (2 Sam. 18: 6-17); Hananiah (Jer. 28: 1-17) and Haman (Esther 7:1-10).

Failure is defined by Webster’s Dictionary in several ways: An omission of occurrence or performance; a failing to perform a duty or expected action; lack of success and falling short. We know that in the eyes of God we are not considered failures. In fact 1 John 1: 9 clearly states, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Our relationship with God allows us to be transformed from failures to successes as long as we admit, confront, and confess to God our disobedience or ways in which we “miss the mark”. If we chose not to follow this principle of overcoming failure, then we play with the worldly rules. C. S. Lewis in Screwtape Letters vividly describes Satan’s strategy. When Christians fail and focus on themselves as failures, they become preoccupied with their failures to the point that they begin or continue to believe that they are failures. This preoccupation reinforces itself and the person continues to feed their self-esteem with negative self-talk and a lack of self-confidence. Preoccupation with the fear of failure can distort our perspective and keep us focusing on the fear versus trying to be over-comers.

Probably one of the most famous accounts of a person overcoming failure happened during the late 19th and early 20th century. In 1879, a child was born to a poor Jewish merchant. In his early life, the boy suffered a haunting sense of inferiority, partly due to the anti-Semitic climate of the day. Shy and introspective, the young boy was so slow in learning that his parents had him examined by specialists to see if he was normal. In 1895, he failed his entrance examinations at the Polytechnicum in Zurich, Switzerland. A year later he tried again and succeeded. Later, he received his doctor’s degree at the University of Zurich. He obtained an obscure job as a patent examiner. Who was this person who overcame failure? The man who formulated the theory of relativity–Albert Einstein. He wouldn’t let early failure defeat him. Individuals who overcome failure decide that they are going to succeed. Conrad Hilton is quoted as saying, “Success seems to be connected with action. Successful people keep moving. They make mistakes, but they never quit.” There are four important “mind-sets” or “keys” to never quitting and overcoming failure.

Overcoming failure is a conscious decision. Those of us who make mistakes and miss the mark, need to seek the Lord’s forgiveness, forgive ourselves, put the mistake in perspective and move on with life rather than feeding it with fear. Each of us comes to our own “Jordan river” experiences sooner or later, and has to, with faith, face the fear of what lies ahead or we too can wander in the wilderness for years. We can choose to brood on our failures or meditate on the hope we have in Christ.

Overcoming failure is a conscious decision to live by new rules. I once heard this definition of crazy, “finding what doesn’t work any more and continuing to do it.” Christians live because God provided a “new way” in Christ. The children of Israel continued to fail when they slipped away from God and “exchanged the creature for the creator.” We are new creatures in Christ and in all ways must put God first (Matt. 6:32-34). With this perspective we realize that failures can be aspects of success. In essence, all things do work together for good (Romans 8: 28-30). With this perspective we will hopefully realize that failures can contain aspects of success. In essence, we can learn from them and become wiser.

Overcoming failure is a conscious, daily decision to live successfully. God’s word is very specific when it comes to who is successful. Joshua 1: 7-9 contains some of the most famous verses on success. “Only be strong and courageous; be careful to do according to all the law which Moses My servant commanded you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, so that you may have success wherever you go. This book of the law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful then to do according to all that is within it; for then you will make your way prosperous and then you will have success. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Overcoming failure is a conscious, daily decision to keep focused on the goal. If someone is sincerely afraid that they will make a mistake, they will seek to be as prepared as possible. They focus on the long view or goal versus the shortsighted circumstances. As Benjamin Disraeli once said, “All my successes have been built on my failures.”

Furthermore, we know that much in this life is a spiritual battle fought in the unseen realms. The goal for each of our lives must be to live each day in the full armor of God with an attitude of “forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead… press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus ” (Phil. 3: 13-14). The goal is a changed attitude and a resolve to never give up (Gal. 6:9). This is coupled with a desire to do all we do for Christ (Phil. 1:20-21) and a confidence that we are not alone in seeking this goal.

In the midst of life’s failures we can be successful in our thoughts, emotions and behaviors by confidently following new rules and seeking to “hit the mark”. So no matter what the failure, there is power in proper perspective and perseverance with a focus on our strengths, spiritual resources, and long-term goals. Let the words of Peter Marshall become our motto in overcoming failure, ” It is better to fail in a cause that will ultimately succeed than to succeed in a cause that will ultimately fail.”

Dr. Trathen on “Healing and Comforting Others”, with Widow’s Walk Executive Director, Christy Cassidy

How to Manage Conflict at Work

Kinds of Workplace Conflicts Let’s start by identifying where conflicts happen. Think about the kinds of conflicts that happen around your workplace. Disagreements over turf (who should do what) Disagreements over policy (how things should be done) Conflicts of personality and style Common Ways of Dealing with Conflict These are some of the ways we typically deal with conflict. Do you see yourself in any of them? . Avoid the conflict. Deny the conflict; wait until it goes away. Change the subject. React emotionally; become aggressive, abusive, hysterical, or frightening. Find someone to blame. Make excuses. Delegate the situation to someone else. All of these responses are nonproductive. Some of them are actually destructive. This is why learning to manage conflict is so important. Effect on Work Relationships The workplace is a system of relationships. Relationships have many different aspects; here are several examples: Trust Teamwork Quality Morale Self-esteem Loyalty Respect for boss When conflicts are handled well, there’s a positive effect on work relationships. When they are not, these factors can deteriorate. Productivity and the free expression of ideas are also impacted. Factors That Affect How People Manage Conflict The skills involved in managing conflict are learned behaviors. None of us is born knowing how to deal with differences of opinion, arguments, or turf wars. Some of the factors that affect how we behave in the face of conflict are: Status: People in higher-status positions usually feel freer to engage in conflict and are less likely to avoid confrontation. Company style or unwritten rules: Some companies encourage conflict; others have unwritten rules that it is to be contained or avoided. Gender differences: Males are generally encouraged to be more confrontational than females. Behavior learned in families: In some families, conflict and confrontation are a communication style. In others, conflict always remains hidden. Behavior learned from role models: People who have had a teacher or boss who modeled effective conflict-resolution skills are more likely to develop these skills themselves. Conflict Resolution Skills No one is born knowing how to resolve conflicts. Conflict resolution is a set of skills that anyone can learn. Let’s look at two important ones: active listening and conflict de-escalation skills. Active Listening Active listening is a valuable skill for resolving conflicts because it enables you to demonstrate that you understand what another person is saying and how he or she is feeling about it. Active listening means restating, in your own words, what the other person has said. Active listening is a way of checking whether your understanding is correct. It also demonstrates that you are listening and that you are interested and concerned. These all help resolve a situation when there are conflicting points of view. Active listening responses have two components: (1) naming the feeling that the other person is conveying, and (2) stating the reason for the feeling. Here are some examples of active-listening statements: “Sounds like you’re upset about what happened at work.” “You’re annoyed by my lateness, aren’t you?” “You sound really stumped about how to solve this problem.” “It makes you angry when you find errors on Joe’s paperwork.” “Sounds like you’re really worried about Wendy.” “I get the feeling you’re awfully busy right now.” Actively listening is not the same as agreement. It is a way of demonstrating that you intend to hear and understand another’s point of view. Benefits of Active Listening If a person uses active listening as part of his or her communication style at work, how would that be good for resolving conflicts, i.e., what are the benefits? It feels good when another person makes an effort to understand what you are thinking and feeling. It creates good feelings about the other person and makes you feel better about yourself. Restating what you’ve heard, and checking for understanding, promotes better communication and produces fewer misunderstandings. Responding with active listening has a calming effect in an emotional situation. Conflict De-escalation Everyone has been in an argument that has escalated. Before you know it, it’s blown out of proportion. Let’s think for a moment about some actions that will help you deescalate a conflict. In your experience, what actions put a stop to the defend/attack spiral? . Stick with “I” statements; avoid “you” statements. Avoid name-calling and put-downs (“A reasonable person could see that…”). Soften your tone. Take a time-out (“Let’s take a break and cool down”). Acknowledge the other person’s point of view (agreement is not necessary). Avoid defensive or hostile body language (rolling eyes, crossing arms in front of body, tapping foot). Be specific and factual; avoid generalities. Conflict Prevention Skills Now that we’ve talked about how to resolve a conflict, let’s look at how to prevent conflicts from happening. Here are a few ideas: Bring issues out in the open before they become problems. Be aware of triggers and respond to them when you notice them. Have a process for resolving conflicts. Bring it up at a meeting and get agreement on what people should do in cases of differing viewpoints. Teach everyone conflict-resolution skills and expect people to use them.

Help! I Need to Make a Decision!

Many people who come to my office say they have a difficult time making decisions. I have developed a process to help my patients master this skill. I recommend that people follow these four steps:

1. Identify the real issue. For example, you are trying to decide which movie to see, but you are having a hard time agreeing. As you talk about it, you realize that the real issue is that you simply want some time to be together in a quiet place where you can talk. Going to a movie does not address this issue.
2. Identify the available options. In the above example, the options might include going to a quiet restaurant, taking a drive, or walking on the beach.
3. Evaluate the available options. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each. Evaluate how well each option addresses the real issue.
4. Implement the decision. Make a choice and carry it out.

Even though most people make dozens of important and complex judgments every day, few of us have actually been trained to make good decisions. We started making basic decisions when we were young children, and we continue to follow the same simple process as we get older, even though the issues have become much more complicated.

We learned to make decisions by watching our parents and learning in school. Mostly we learned by trial and error. Our first decisions were pretty simple—to choose pizza or hamburgers, to play softball or soccer, to wear the pink headband or the blue one. These decisions pretty much boiled down to choosing between X and Y.

According to the authors of Smart Choices: A Practical Guide to Making Better Decisions (see Reading List), most of us continue to choose between X and Y without making certain that we are addressing the real problem in the first place.

A second common mistake is rushing into a decision, hurrying to get it over with. We rarely step back from the decision and view it in a broader context. While it is more difficult and time-consuming, it is better to take your time and be sure you are seeing the big picture and the key issues.

Strategies for Making Better Decisions

Here are some decision-making tips:

1. Take your time making important decisions. Some situations require a deliberate and careful decision-making process.
2. Once the decision has been made, carry it out without hesitation.
3. If you can, delegate decisions to those who will carry them out. Authors Heller and Hindle (Essential Manager’s Manual) advise managers always to be on the lookout for ways to push the decision-making process down a level. If you are making decisions for your family, consider how you can involve your kids in the process.
4. Making decisions requires both intuition and logic. It’s important to trust your gut, but be sure you are thinking logically.
5. Unless the situation is pretty straightforward, it is a good idea to generate as many ideas as you can. Learn the principles of brainstorming (see box) and throw lots of options into the hopper.
6. Look at the issues from different points of view. How do they look to the different groups they might affect? For example, if a teacher asks their students to wear Native American clothing tomorrow, will the kids’ parents have the time to help them prepare on such short notice?
7. Consider the immediate and long-term implications of each solution, including its impact on other people.
8. Consider the worst- and best-case scenarios, as well as the possibilities in between.

Deciding Yourself versus Involving Others

Involving others in your decision-making process helps you avoid the tendency to rush into a decision, hurrying to get it over with. When you take the time to consult others, you force yourself to step back from the situation and see it in a broader context. While it is more difficult and time-consuming, getting the advice and support of others can help you produce better decisions.

Consider these points when seeking advice:

1. Determine whom to involve in the process. If it’s a simple, low-risk decision, you may not need to involve any one else.
2. If you do ask others for advice and suggestions, be prepared to respond to their input.
3. Determine who will need to approve your decision, and get that approval.

Consider these points when seeking support:

1. Think about who might resist your decision, and have a plan to manage that resistance. For example, you want to allow your daughter to have her friends sleep over on a weeknight during the summer, but you expect your husband will object because he has to get up for work the next day and doesn’t want his sleep disturbed. Think about how you could plan the evening in a way to avoid disturbing your husband.
2. Identify ways to increase the chances that your decision will be supported. In the sleepover example, you could ask the girls’ friends to bring sleeping bags, and set up the basement for them to sleep in.
3. If your decision presents any risks, look for ways to minimize them.

Make This Work for You

Rules of Brainstorming:

1. Write down the question you are addressing. For example, “Where shall we go on vacation?”
2. Think of as many ideas as you can.
3. Write down every idea, no matter how wild it seems.
4. No one is allowed to judge or evaluate any of the ideas in any way. This includes making faces, rolling eyes, and sighing.
5. The goal is to think of as many ideas as you can. Quantity is more important than quality.
6. After everyone is finished suggesting ideas, take a break.
7. After the break, discuss the ideas and edit the list. A solution will emerge.

Identify a situation in your life right now. Be sure to choose something important and challenging. Apply the steps we have been exploring to this situation.

1. Describe the situation.
2. What is the real issue here?
3. List the pros and cons of each option.
4. What do you need to consider when seeking advice?
5. What do you need to consider when seeking support?
6. What are the best options?
7. Who needs to be involved?
8. What should be delegated? To whom?
9. What resources would need to be secured?
10. What steps need to be planned, and what is their timing?

How do you know if you need counseling?

The following conditions or situations are widely experienced and may indicate the need for professional counseling. Consider counseling services -

• if you are suffering from depression and anxiety
• if you are having difficulty sleeping, eating, or concentrating
• if you or a loved one are having problems with substance dependence or abuse
• if you are experiencing compulsive behaviors such as spending, sex, or eating disorders
• if you are feeling persistent anger, resentment, or bitterness
• if your relationships are highly distressed
• if you are having marital and family conflicts

Counseling can also be helpful for those with excessive job stress or an inability to keep jobs, parents having trouble dealing with a child’s misbehavior or school problems, and individuals experiencing sexual dysfunction or physical ailments for which no medical cause can be found.