How to Manage Conflict at Work

Kinds of Workplace Conflicts Let’s start by identifying where conflicts happen. Think about the kinds of conflicts that happen around your workplace. Disagreements over turf (who should do what) Disagreements over policy (how things should be done) Conflicts of personality and style Common Ways of Dealing with Conflict These are some of the ways we typically deal with conflict. Do you see yourself in any of them? . Avoid the conflict. Deny the conflict; wait until it goes away. Change the subject. React emotionally; become aggressive, abusive, hysterical, or frightening. Find someone to blame. Make excuses. Delegate the situation to someone else. All of these responses are nonproductive. Some of them are actually destructive. This is why learning to manage conflict is so important. Effect on Work Relationships The workplace is a system of relationships. Relationships have many different aspects; here are several examples: Trust Teamwork Quality Morale Self-esteem Loyalty Respect for boss When conflicts are handled well, there’s a positive effect on work relationships. When they are not, these factors can deteriorate. Productivity and the free expression of ideas are also impacted. Factors That Affect How People Manage Conflict The skills involved in managing conflict are learned behaviors. None of us is born knowing how to deal with differences of opinion, arguments, or turf wars. Some of the factors that affect how we behave in the face of conflict are: Status: People in higher-status positions usually feel freer to engage in conflict and are less likely to avoid confrontation. Company style or unwritten rules: Some companies encourage conflict; others have unwritten rules that it is to be contained or avoided. Gender differences: Males are generally encouraged to be more confrontational than females. Behavior learned in families: In some families, conflict and confrontation are a communication style. In others, conflict always remains hidden. Behavior learned from role models: People who have had a teacher or boss who modeled effective conflict-resolution skills are more likely to develop these skills themselves. Conflict Resolution Skills No one is born knowing how to resolve conflicts. Conflict resolution is a set of skills that anyone can learn. Let’s look at two important ones: active listening and conflict de-escalation skills. Active Listening Active listening is a valuable skill for resolving conflicts because it enables you to demonstrate that you understand what another person is saying and how he or she is feeling about it. Active listening means restating, in your own words, what the other person has said. Active listening is a way of checking whether your understanding is correct. It also demonstrates that you are listening and that you are interested and concerned. These all help resolve a situation when there are conflicting points of view. Active listening responses have two components: (1) naming the feeling that the other person is conveying, and (2) stating the reason for the feeling. Here are some examples of active-listening statements: “Sounds like you’re upset about what happened at work.” “You’re annoyed by my lateness, aren’t you?” “You sound really stumped about how to solve this problem.” “It makes you angry when you find errors on Joe’s paperwork.” “Sounds like you’re really worried about Wendy.” “I get the feeling you’re awfully busy right now.” Actively listening is not the same as agreement. It is a way of demonstrating that you intend to hear and understand another’s point of view. Benefits of Active Listening If a person uses active listening as part of his or her communication style at work, how would that be good for resolving conflicts, i.e., what are the benefits? It feels good when another person makes an effort to understand what you are thinking and feeling. It creates good feelings about the other person and makes you feel better about yourself. Restating what you’ve heard, and checking for understanding, promotes better communication and produces fewer misunderstandings. Responding with active listening has a calming effect in an emotional situation. Conflict De-escalation Everyone has been in an argument that has escalated. Before you know it, it’s blown out of proportion. Let’s think for a moment about some actions that will help you deescalate a conflict. In your experience, what actions put a stop to the defend/attack spiral? . Stick with “I” statements; avoid “you” statements. Avoid name-calling and put-downs (“A reasonable person could see that…”). Soften your tone. Take a time-out (“Let’s take a break and cool down”). Acknowledge the other person’s point of view (agreement is not necessary). Avoid defensive or hostile body language (rolling eyes, crossing arms in front of body, tapping foot). Be specific and factual; avoid generalities. Conflict Prevention Skills Now that we’ve talked about how to resolve a conflict, let’s look at how to prevent conflicts from happening. Here are a few ideas: Bring issues out in the open before they become problems. Be aware of triggers and respond to them when you notice them. Have a process for resolving conflicts. Bring it up at a meeting and get agreement on what people should do in cases of differing viewpoints. Teach everyone conflict-resolution skills and expect people to use them.

Help! I Need to Make a Decision!

Many people who come to my office say they have a difficult time making decisions. I have developed a process to help my patients master this skill. I recommend that people follow these four steps:

1. Identify the real issue. For example, you are trying to decide which movie to see, but you are having a hard time agreeing. As you talk about it, you realize that the real issue is that you simply want some time to be together in a quiet place where you can talk. Going to a movie does not address this issue.
2. Identify the available options. In the above example, the options might include going to a quiet restaurant, taking a drive, or walking on the beach.
3. Evaluate the available options. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each. Evaluate how well each option addresses the real issue.
4. Implement the decision. Make a choice and carry it out.

Even though most people make dozens of important and complex judgments every day, few of us have actually been trained to make good decisions. We started making basic decisions when we were young children, and we continue to follow the same simple process as we get older, even though the issues have become much more complicated.

We learned to make decisions by watching our parents and learning in school. Mostly we learned by trial and error. Our first decisions were pretty simple—to choose pizza or hamburgers, to play softball or soccer, to wear the pink headband or the blue one. These decisions pretty much boiled down to choosing between X and Y.

According to the authors of Smart Choices: A Practical Guide to Making Better Decisions (see Reading List), most of us continue to choose between X and Y without making certain that we are addressing the real problem in the first place.

A second common mistake is rushing into a decision, hurrying to get it over with. We rarely step back from the decision and view it in a broader context. While it is more difficult and time-consuming, it is better to take your time and be sure you are seeing the big picture and the key issues.

Strategies for Making Better Decisions

Here are some decision-making tips:

1. Take your time making important decisions. Some situations require a deliberate and careful decision-making process.
2. Once the decision has been made, carry it out without hesitation.
3. If you can, delegate decisions to those who will carry them out. Authors Heller and Hindle (Essential Manager’s Manual) advise managers always to be on the lookout for ways to push the decision-making process down a level. If you are making decisions for your family, consider how you can involve your kids in the process.
4. Making decisions requires both intuition and logic. It’s important to trust your gut, but be sure you are thinking logically.
5. Unless the situation is pretty straightforward, it is a good idea to generate as many ideas as you can. Learn the principles of brainstorming (see box) and throw lots of options into the hopper.
6. Look at the issues from different points of view. How do they look to the different groups they might affect? For example, if a teacher asks their students to wear Native American clothing tomorrow, will the kids’ parents have the time to help them prepare on such short notice?
7. Consider the immediate and long-term implications of each solution, including its impact on other people.
8. Consider the worst- and best-case scenarios, as well as the possibilities in between.

Deciding Yourself versus Involving Others

Involving others in your decision-making process helps you avoid the tendency to rush into a decision, hurrying to get it over with. When you take the time to consult others, you force yourself to step back from the situation and see it in a broader context. While it is more difficult and time-consuming, getting the advice and support of others can help you produce better decisions.

Consider these points when seeking advice:

1. Determine whom to involve in the process. If it’s a simple, low-risk decision, you may not need to involve any one else.
2. If you do ask others for advice and suggestions, be prepared to respond to their input.
3. Determine who will need to approve your decision, and get that approval.

Consider these points when seeking support:

1. Think about who might resist your decision, and have a plan to manage that resistance. For example, you want to allow your daughter to have her friends sleep over on a weeknight during the summer, but you expect your husband will object because he has to get up for work the next day and doesn’t want his sleep disturbed. Think about how you could plan the evening in a way to avoid disturbing your husband.
2. Identify ways to increase the chances that your decision will be supported. In the sleepover example, you could ask the girls’ friends to bring sleeping bags, and set up the basement for them to sleep in.
3. If your decision presents any risks, look for ways to minimize them.

Make This Work for You

Rules of Brainstorming:

1. Write down the question you are addressing. For example, “Where shall we go on vacation?”
2. Think of as many ideas as you can.
3. Write down every idea, no matter how wild it seems.
4. No one is allowed to judge or evaluate any of the ideas in any way. This includes making faces, rolling eyes, and sighing.
5. The goal is to think of as many ideas as you can. Quantity is more important than quality.
6. After everyone is finished suggesting ideas, take a break.
7. After the break, discuss the ideas and edit the list. A solution will emerge.

Identify a situation in your life right now. Be sure to choose something important and challenging. Apply the steps we have been exploring to this situation.

1. Describe the situation.
2. What is the real issue here?
3. List the pros and cons of each option.
4. What do you need to consider when seeking advice?
5. What do you need to consider when seeking support?
6. What are the best options?
7. Who needs to be involved?
8. What should be delegated? To whom?
9. What resources would need to be secured?
10. What steps need to be planned, and what is their timing?

How do you know if you need counseling?

The following conditions or situations are widely experienced and may indicate the need for professional counseling. Consider counseling services -

• if you are suffering from depression and anxiety
• if you are having difficulty sleeping, eating, or concentrating
• if you or a loved one are having problems with substance dependence or abuse
• if you are experiencing compulsive behaviors such as spending, sex, or eating disorders
• if you are feeling persistent anger, resentment, or bitterness
• if your relationships are highly distressed
• if you are having marital and family conflicts

Counseling can also be helpful for those with excessive job stress or an inability to keep jobs, parents having trouble dealing with a child’s misbehavior or school problems, and individuals experiencing sexual dysfunction or physical ailments for which no medical cause can be found.